A Mom of Multiples' Letter to Santa

by Erin Sweeten

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well, and me on your Nice List. I THINK I’m on your nice list. Once during bedtime prayers my daughter thanked God for creating me with such a wonderful personality, which I feel should count for something in your book, even if she was doing it to get permission to go to a sleepover. I do yell sometimes. More than I want to. But, Santa, even your magical holiday patience would be tested if you were in my shoes. Have you ever asked your elves to clear off the table, and had one elf put away just two crayons because those are the only colors he used, and another elf refuse to put away ANYTHING until all the other elves helped equally, and another elf kick the table leg so crayons rolled onto the floor? I hope I’m not out of line when I say that I can totally picture you bellowing, "EVERYBODY PICK UP A HANDFUL OF CRAYONS AND PUT IT IN THE BIN. NOW!" 

I’m not justifying the yelling. On a better day, I would have nicely (see what I did there?) gone to each child and mapped out his or her personal Crayon Pickup Zone. But they can’t all be better days, and there is not always time for a Personal Mapping Session for every child, and if it’s a choice between burned taco meat and not yelling, I sometimes make the wrong choice. Now I feel like I’m digging myself into a Naughty List pit. I say I’m sorry afterward. Does that help?

Anyway. Santa. As a mom of multiples, my wish list is a bit much for ordinary mortals. That’s why I’m coming to you. I’m told you have all the best magic, and you know how to wield it. First, if you could send a Cleaning Fairy to my house on nights I’m feeling overwhelmed, that would be awesome. Preferably one who knows exactly where all the weird dishes go, so I’m not frantically hunting through drawers for a tea strainer in the morning before school. And can my wishes be retroactive? Because I also would have really appreciated the sudden appearances of a Putting a Baby to Sleep Fairy and a Toddler Chasing Fairy and a Car seats/ Stroller/ Cart/ Grocery Bag Handling Fairy.

I hope I’m not overtaxing the Christmas Wish System when I ask to have retroactively received enough sleep for the past six years. The past three years or so have been okay, but you’re going to have to frontload a lot of extra hours into 2012-2014. I also checked all the Cyber Monday deals, but did not find the appliances that would be most helpful to me: a cloning machine, and a morning prep machine that you can step into for one minute and step out again clean, in flattering clothes, with hair done, teeth brushed, and makeup on. Will you please check your warehouse to see if you have both of these in stock?

Finally Santa, I have some requests that are more on the woo-woo side of things, the human heart stuff. (I’ve cross-posted this paragraph to God’s discussion board—please delete if not allowed.) Would you please make sure that the love part of my twins’ love-hate relationship is always the strongest part? And though my attention is often divided, will you help me confirm that each child of mine feels fully seen and loved? When they eventually hit puberty, will you time their highs and lows in the most manageable way possible, from a parenting perspective? I imagine it would also be helpful if you could drop off an extra refrigerator and guarantee that they will be more or less equal in the good looks department during their teen years. Thank you so much.

At Full Niceness,

A Mom of Multiples