Reasons I am Hiding in the Closet

by Erin Sweeten
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1. This is where I hide the holiday candy I snuck out of the kids’ stash. It’s down to just mini Butterfingers now, which I don’t like, but I’m eating them anyway. Beggars can’t be choosers! I take my sugar rush where I can get it. There are many, many little people on the other side of that door, and all of them need me. Okay, it’s only two or three, but trust me, they can seem like a lot more.*

2. One or more babies has pooped and I am trying to outlast my spouse in the “Pretending I Don’t Smell Anything” game.

3. Yet another visiting relative started to tell me how I never had a car seat growing up and I turned out just fine.  I said, “Is that a baby crying?” and went in here instead.

4. It’s Sexy Time and I’m mushing my boobs around to get them properly aligned in my favorite pre-breastfeeding-twins lingerie.  Success! All that time at the playdough table with the toddler is finally paying off! Squish and pat, baby. Squish and pat.

5. This is the closest I can get to Total Sensory Deprivation.

6. I’m at a one-year-old’s birthday party and person number six just said, “You’ve got your hands full!” and saying "You should see my heart" five times is my limit. Fortunately there’s an actual closet in this community center. Why are there so many vacuums in here? It’s hard to get the stroller in. Never fear, I am a stroller-maneuvering expert. Tip left, tip right, tip forward, and we’re in. I am the champion of the world.

7. The babysitter is here so I can do my work-from-home job but the babies won’t stay with her unless I pretend I’m leaving the house and sneak back in through the other door when they’re not looking. Narrow escape in the hallway!

8. The other night I ordered a bunch of stuff on Amazon at 3 a.m. Because if I have to be awake at 3 a.m., I might as well buy a new shower squeegee, some whimsical earrings, and three other equally necessary things. Now the delivery guy is unloading the boxes at the door just as I’m walking through the house naked in search of clean underwear.  We’re behind on laundry, don’t judge. The front blinds are open a crack. Fortunately, I have quick reflexes from all the time I’ve spent tackling escapist toddlers.

9. It’s 6:30 a.m. and I’ve already heard the word “Mom” 55 times today.

10. I want to watch this hilarious curse-filled video on my phone but I don’t want my kids to know that curse words exist. When I let one slip out in front of the kids, I add funny suffixes so they think I’m just launching into a children’s song. “ #@!$-a-rooney! %$^&-a-doodle-do!”

11. It’s 10:30pm in stomach flu season and the washer is churning through its third load of dirty sheets, clothes and throw rugs. Though I’m not sick myself, I wear that cheesy vinegar smell of old vomit. My spouse has just cheerfully suggested that now would be a great time to “hash out the finances.” I’m in the closet so I can compose myself enough to answer kindly, with reasonable sentences that do not in any way include the concept of shoving “the finances” where the sun don’t shine.

12. I like it in here. It’s the only place in my house where it’s just me, myself, and I. I’m searching the internet for an extremely tiny yet comfy chair.  That way, I won’t have to stand while I eat mini Butterfingers.
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*no tiny people were endangered in the making of this blog post.