Taming Sibling Rivalry

by Erin Sweeten
​I was awakened the other day to a torrent of pee falling into the kids’ toilet. My five year old sons were going at the same time, and already in full competition mode: whose pee was the loudest? Whose stream shot the farthest? Who could make the most gargantuan pee bubble? They can turn literally anything into a who’s-better contest. Whenever someone remarks on how tall Callum is, Ronan immediately pipes up, “I’m two minutes older!”
 
Sibling rivalry occurs among all kinds of siblings, but it has an especially strong hold on multiples. Their life circumstances are so similar that they have more opportunities to compare. They have also dealt with the divided attention of their parents all their lives. I asked a mom of twin fourteen-year-olds if the rivalry ever tapers off. “No. Uh-uh. Still going strong,” she replied.  Drat. Looks like the sibling rivalry is here to stay. What’s a mom of multiples to do? I am still learning as I go, but here are a few things that have helped us tame the rivalry. What are your family’s most effective strategies?

1. When your children are learning a new skill, have them learn it separately if possible.  I took my boys to learn to ride their bikes and one got the hang of it right away while the other wasn’t even close to ready. He jealously watched his brother wobbling down the sidewalk and kicked his own bike over. “I don’t want this old bucket of bolts!” Whoops. I made sure that we didn’t have any more shared lessons. The non-rider is now my number one pool care assistant, and he cheers proudly for his bike-riding brother zooming around the park.
2. Celebrate all kinds of progress. Create regular opportunities for family members to share their successes. We used to do a family toast once a week or so at dinner, cheering one another’s triumphs. That lessens the sting when one kid is recognized for an accomplishment and the other isn’t. Reviewing the day individually at bedtime helps too.
3. Help them to develop individual relationships and interests. The more often I remove the option to compare, the better we do. The boys are in different classes at school. Our family schedules “kid dates” every six weeks, where parents take turns going out one-on-one with the kids. This weekend, Callum and I shot Nerf guns, rode bikes, and played in the splash pad at a park. If one child is playing with a friend, the other child can always opt out and play alone. Each child can choose his own extracurricular activity.
4. Help them build friendship and cooperation. For every one time my sons are arguing and competing, there are three times where they are getting along well, inventing elaborate games or shooting squirt guns at ants. I make sure to remark on those moments.  My favorite trick is to suggest that a struggling child figure it out on his own. His brother will rush to his aid almost every time.  This strategy backfires when I am trying to apply some kind of consequence (i.e., insisting that a child clean up his own mess) and the other one sneaks in behind me and takes care of it. But even then, I kinda like it.
5. Avoid refereeing. If they are disputing about who is the fastest or the strongest or the best Lego tower builder and ask me to weigh in, I annoy my sons greatly by saying every time, “You each have your own strengths and ways of doing things.” I. Will. Not. Be. Drawn. In.  They can compare all they want; my job is to see and appreciate each boy as himself.

 
I could say more, but I’ve got to intervene in an argument over whose head fits better through shirt neck holes. Wish me luck!